The List

2. If you knock something over, pick it up.

3. Do not bring more items to the register than you can afford.

4. If you buy it, keep it. We do not want to tag it and shelve it again.

5. Please have a legitimate reason and a reciept when you return an item.

6. We are not responsible for your children or your husbands. Please watch them.

7. If you plan on recieving a discount, please mention it before we ring you up.

8. We are MJDesigns. Not Michaels.

9. If your purchase is under $10, please to not write a check, use a credit card, or expect us to break a hundred dollar bill.

10. If you are describing an item, especially over the phone, don't call it a 'thing'.

11. If there is no one around or nearby, please do not walk up to the empty registers and ask "Is this one open?"

12. When the item requires a ladder or some other reaching device, please make sure you actually want to buy it.

13. When you ask for small fragile things to be wrapped, DO NOT get all impatient when it takes five minutes to wrap it.

14. It's a big store, I'm only a human being; I do not know where every item is and what it costs.

15. Don't squeeze the monkeys.

16. Please refrain from informing cashiers of your nasty or grotesque medical ailments.

17. Please do not feel it necessary to touch everything at the checkout counter; see with your eyes, not your hands.

18. We are not Michaels' answering service. We will not give you their phone number or directions to their stores.

19. This is not a grocery store. You must take your items out of your cart and place them on the counter if you would like us to ring them up.

20. We do not make change here; there is a bank down the street that can do that.

21. Cashiers, like most humans, have only two arms. Please do not hand us any more merchandise when they are already full.

22. It is a safe assumption that if we are wearing a MJDesigns t-shirt or apron that we work here. Please do not ask "Do you work here?" if such is the case.

23. Please do not leave your lunch trash in the shopping cart - we are not birds or racoons and do not need your crumbs to survive.

24. Please do not bother to put merchandise back yourself, you won't put it where it belongs.

25. Our telephone is not meant for your personal use. Please use a payphone.

26. Your day has not been busier or worse than mine. I have had to deal with people like you all day.

27. When you purchase clearance merchandise, do not try to get a cash refund. We will dislike you and possibly ban you from the store.

28. When paying with more than one dollar's worth of loose change, don't continue to set it on the counter as I hold my hand out.

29. Do not point out to us that said item is cheaper at Michaels (We don't care). If that's the case, go to Michaels.

30. Please do not come up to an empty cash register and slap your hand down on the counter or just stand there. We're not your servants.

31. Please do not get your panties in a wad when you have to stand in line to be checked out, and then yell "Can you get another cashier?" Yeah, let me pull one out of my butt really fast. Trust me, if we are busy, then it's more than likely that we have all of our cashiers working.

32. Please do not purchase about 50 fragile glass things and then just expect us to wrap them all by ourselves while you just stand there. You are buying them; you could at least contribute to the packaging process.

33. Please do not ask us questions like "What country is that made in?" or "How does that do that?" We just ring them up, not create them.

34. We are not Petco. Petco's carts belong in Petco.

35. We are a craft store, meaning you make things. When you come in here, expect to find the items to put them together.

36. Please do not give your child a toy just to hold while you shop, then when you check out hand it to us. Contrary to popular belief, we are not maids.

37. If a cashier takes the time to say "thank you" or "have a nice day", please at least have the decency to say "you too" or "thanks". We're having a bad day, too (see #26).

38. If you see that I'm typing in all the prices by hand, take not of that and please do not ask me to scan an item.

39. If your credit card is declined once by our machine, don't ask me to run it again. It will be declined again.

40. When I am standing at a register, don't stand five feet away and ask "is this where I pay?" No, you pay on the moon.

41. If you can't speak in a way we are able to comprehend, do not speak at all. Gesture, draw - just don't say anything.

42. MJDesigns is not Tom Thumb. There is no such thing as triple coupons. Yes, it's true, you can't get 10%, 25%, or 35% off on top of a sale price. Either read your discount card or get over it.

43. We are not your personal secretaries. Please come into the store to sign up for classes instead of calling on the phone, as you must pay for said classes.

44. We are not your personal shoppers - please visit our store for your needs as we are busy helping our paying customers.

45. We are not Michaels! We are not Michaels! We are not Michaels!

46. No, we do not have anything else in the back. We put our merchandise out as soon as we get it. If we did have more in the back, don't you think we'd be glad to give it to you!?

47. No one that works here gets payed enough to glue our lips, puckered and all, to your rear end.

48. I do not work at the office supply store, therefore I cannot describe their products or predict the availability of the product. I am currently developing my ESP to better serve you.

49. Our registers and counters are used to check you out, not to hold your merchandise while you continue to shop.

50. Please make sure that you have completed your shopping before coming to the counters. We and other customers do not like having to wait while you run off to some far corner of the store.

51. Please do not ask us how long clearance items will be on sale. And no, you can't return them.